April Fool's Day Blues

I hate April 1. I hate holidays in general but -- even though we don't have to decorate for April 1st (one of the things that irks me about holidays)... it's still that fear of a "gotcha!" moment that ruins my day. Maybe the reason is that I have... PMS. Yes, I might as well cop to it. It's not like it's a disease or anything. According to some people at least. I like to call it Positively Mondo Sensitive.

I get very maudlin during this PMS ... yesterday, I was dredging up every mistake I've ever made and raking myself over the coals with hyperbolic guilt. I actually said, referring to every relationship I've been in: "I'm the common denominator of unhappiness." I would have to explain at this point that the world does revolve around me, especially during my Positively Mondo Sensitive time.

It's been a bit of a tough week. I've started personal training in Pilates because my body has forgotten how to stand up straight. There's nothing much like being the center of attention when you'd rather not be -- as in, when your muscles appear to move with the strength of jello.
So I am demeaned and just a tad exhausted. Endeavor to Persevere, right?

But while I'm thinking about it, I'd like to post a bit more about why I hate holidays. It all started with my absolutely LOVING holidays. I also had a bit of a Sears catalog obsession when it came to picking out what I wanted to Santa to bring me, but I'll leave that for another time. What ruined it all was that this joyous, magical time -- Christmas -- ended up being a big fat lie. My neighbor Tina (four years my senior and just trying to be helpful) told me all about my parents pretending to be Santa. That Santa wasn't real. I marched my 6 year old self over to my mother who was dusting the piano at the time and asked her point blank, "Have you been lying to me?" Well, my mother tried to avoid answering the question -- but I eventually got her to admit her betrayal. I asked, what else??? One by one the idols that structured my childhood fell down one by one. The Easter Bunny. The Tooth Fairy. What else have you been lying to me about, I asked.... GOD? Oh no dear, of course not, God is real.

The other reason I hate holidays is because my birthday is on Valentines Day. I used to think my birthday had its own personal theme... hearts and love.... pink and red.... and the whole world it seemed celebrated MY birthday. Only for reality to hit again... the reality that I would never procure a decent restaurant reservation for my birthday, the reality that February 14 would simultaneously always be too much and not enough. The reality that it really isn't all just about me. sigh.

I have much much more to say about holidays, but I will leave that for another blog, another day.

Happy April 1st. We're all fools.